I declined to review a paper for a Glam Mag after having already accepted, because they’d been bugging me every two days to submit my report. “OMG if you don’t do it in 24 hours we will have to find someone else”!!! So go find someone else and stop annoying me. FFS. As if we are all sitting on our hands here.

***

I have to review 1-2 full proposals per day, every day, for the next two weeks. Don’t ask.

***

I am teaching a large undergraduate required class with no TA support. Again. The undergrads are adorable, but there are ~100 of them. I will die grading exams.

***

I was offered a pretty major professional service role. It’s one that would allow me to have a say in how large amounts of money are to be spent; one that would lead to a multiyear commitment to serve, and would be about a month of additional work per year. It’s an honor to be offered this opportunity, and part of me wants to take it, but most of me is just so exasperated at the thought of having even more work on my plate… All the time away from my kids, even less time for research… Then my husband, who is really supportive of my ever-increasing and ever-more-demanding and varied service, aptly put it, “It might be a good experience to have under your belt, but will be full of pretentious [non-expletive qualifier removed to preserve ambiguity] men… Will you enjoy this?” No. I most definitely will not. And at the end of the day, this is the main reason I won’t be taking this service role. I don’t think I can take such a high concentration of pretentious [non-expletive qualifier] men, talking down at me/ignoring me/generally making me work very hard to be taken seriously over multiple years… Not when I can just say no.

***

I have no wind in my feminist sails left, at least not right now. This coming summer, at least two of the conferences I am involved with have all-male speaker rosters. Sometimes I wait to see if anyone brings up the lack of women among speakers; nobody ever does, because I am the only woman on the advisory board or the program committee. What’s even worse is that, even when I do mention the lack of women speakers, nothing happens anyway.

I am one thinly spread token woman, partaking in way more service than a person should. I cannot be the sole force ensuring diversity across multiple professional communities.

I just want to be left the hell alone and not have to deal with yet another email thread or a conference room chock full of dudes whom I am supposed to gently nudge into thinking of a female colleague, any female colleague, who might be worthy of inviting.

This is a point at which I simply don’t expect anything more.

Somebody else can be the token for a while.

***

It is hard to convince myself that I need to write even better grant proposals when I routinely see all-male proposal rosters when I review. If I am the only woman in a proposal roster, guess how many panelists will feel that the proposal of this unnatural candidate absolutely has to be among the 1 or 2 that get funded? Exactly as many as can think of a woman invited speaker without prodding.

***

Apropos nothing: I love watching Middle Boy’s basketball and swim practices, and he really enjoys having me there. I love watching him and his friends play together as part of a league, and I yell and cheer like the most obnoxious of those dads who pretend to coach from the sidelines. I love watching Eldest and his teammates swim. I don’t care that my kids win, but I care that they give it their all and have fun. But mostly I love to watch them as it cheers me up; it lifts my gloom and brings me joy. Kids’ sports are awesome, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.