Whenever I attend a faculty meeting, it goes something like this:

1. I tell myself I won’t open my mouth at all and will be a quiet, composed, respectable member of the faculty.
2. I open my mouth. Words come out.
3. I keep opening my mouth. More words come out. Some of them are funny and/or snarky.  Who am I kidding? Even when I discuss serious stuff, what I say is often (always?) funny/snarky. Unless it’s a metaphor.
4. Faculty meeting ends. I count how many people just sat there and never said a word. I remember the old adage, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.” I feel remorseful that I had opened my mouth, and vow not to do it next time.

After a 3-hour ordeal we had yesterday, I realized why that is. Faculty meetings are really slow and boring (also, water is wet). It is sheer torture to keep sitting there, hashing things out for 10x longer than seems necessary. My behavior is that of a bored middle schooler — I cause trouble because I am forced to sit still and waste time, without adequate intellectual stimulation.

Faculty meetings, oh how I hate thee.

Dear readers, what are your coping strategies for staying quiet in boring faculty meetings, without pulling your hair out or sticking needles into the voodoo dolls of your colleagues who cannot get to the &!#$!%!  point?