I am having a very hard time making myself work on what I need to work on. Two papers need to go out — they have been drafted by my students, but they are in a bad shape language-wise and I don’t have the time or the will for back-and-forths, so I need to edit the text directly right away (as opposed to several drafts from now). I have taken and put down each of them several times and made some edits, but I just can’t make myself go all the way to the end for either of them. My stomach turns when I think about how much work each of them will be.

Then there is the infernal proposal to NSF. This proposal was recommended but not highly recommended two years in a row. In fact, two years in a row I have been ‘on the bubble’ and ended up without money. I am really sick of this material, sick of reading it and sick of writing it. And now I have to do it again, more than once (trying two agencies plus some internal funds).

I better get my $hit together, and I eventually will, but I don’t think I have ever felt this much resistance toward engaging with my own papers or proposals. What’s strange is that I can’t say I am tired, as the summer just ended and I didn’t overwork; I am physically in better shape than I’ve been in a long time (exercising 5x a week) so I should have more energy; I’ve already allowed myself weeks of free rein within my creative outlet with the specific purpose of scratching that itch really well so I can work on technical stuff.

And I can’t wait forever for the muse; there are deadlines (the internal one is tomorrow). Cranking out 10,000 characters from scratch is usually a piece of cake for me. Reading what I’d read a million times already, so I can massage it into yet another shape and size is freakin’ nauseating, and I’m not speaking figuratively.

Naughty procrastinating xykademiqz.

(Kids, don’t do as I do.)