I am just going to give myself 10 min to write this post, so whatever comes out, comes out.

I am in a time crunch over a proposal, which also means that every other facet of my life must demand much more from me than usual.

Over the last several days I spent 1-2 hours every day on a video call with a grad student in a progressively worsening mental-health situation. It ended with me calling (over the phone) the crisis line on the student’s behalf during one video call, only to realize that the crisis line is bullshit if a person feels absolutely terrible but aren’t actually in imminent danger of suicide. Basically, “Go to emergency room or make an appointment, otherwise have a good night.” Such unspeakable bullshit. Although it shouldn’t have been a surprise; in this country, anything that you don’t pay though the nose for is a joke.

Since the pandemic started, graduate students in my group have needed much more accommodation, understanding, flexibility.

Since the pandemic started, many more students in classes have needed much more accommodation, understanding, flexibility.

I am supposed to accommodate and understand everyone, be all to everyone. I am tired and angry, and it doesn’t seem fair. Do male faculty have to put up with all these incessant nontechnical demands on time and energy? I bet they don’t.

No one is going to renew my grant because they feel sorry for me. I can’t say, “Sorry our papers are slow to come out. Students have been depressed, and I also have kids at home who constantly interrupt, and I have no peace and quiet to work, and god forbid I have my own dips in motivation or energy or health, ’cause I am a mom and a PI and everyone around me requires endless support which I am supposed to provide out of my apparently bottomless reserves, but of course I would never need or want a break, so I understand that you can’t give me one because you need to teach me a lesson on how real scientists work.”

I’m so angry.