Author: xykademiqz

Updates and NaBloPoMo

Anyone still around and reading? Pandemic plus a general dissolution of the once vibrant academic blogosphere (and its move to platforms like Twitter) equals fewer people reading and commenting, and consequently less of an impetus for me to keep blogging, especially since life stuff and fiction writing already vie for my time.

Anyway, as in (most? many? some?) years past, there will be daily blogging in November (NaBloPoMo — the blogging equivalent of NaNoWriMo). I think it’s good for me to have these intense blogging periods as a way to reconnect with this space, and hopefully good for you, dear reader, as there will more content. I can’t promise 100% highbrow fare, but something will be up every day in November.

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I’m knee-deep in grading a midterm. I have a proposal due next week. Four papers need to be revised and resubmitted (after the proposal is in, duh).

This coming summer, I am looking forward to graduating probably the weakest student I’ve ever had. This students shouldn’t have gotten a PhD to begin with, but they managed to somehow pass one procedural hurdle, then another, and with a lot of help from others, and some strategically applied (and possibly not entirely conscious) manipulation and guilt-tripping of advisor , which I really shouldn’t have succumbed to but did, I continued to work with them even though several colleagues told me to cut the student loose. I tried all the tricks, changed their topic, then changed it back, tried being super hands off, then super hands on, but at the end of the day they were upbeat and enthusiastic but nothing was sticking, and they kept not being able to grapple with technical problems or do anything without a lot (A LOT) of help from me and others. All in all, we are now at a point where I can get them out with a minimal PhD that is well below the standard for my group, but passes the department, college, and university sufficiency tests. I suppose sooner or later we all (as advisors) have such a student.

My terrible professional mood these past couple of years has likely been linked to several bad hires I had made once three grants were funded in short succession. These new people were in stark contrast to the absolutely stellar crop I had graduated just before. For months, going into years, nothing was getting done. I started feeling hopeless, surrounded by all these nice and social but completely unproductive people spending all my money for naught, and panicking that this would be the end of my grants as we would not be able to renew. One way or another, those people are mostly no longer with the group. One has found their groove, and then some, and is being quite productive. I’ve since lucked out with a stellar student who transferred from another group, an absolutely fantastic undergrad, and another great new international student. The group is finally back to its usual output, and not a moment too soon, as two grants are up for renewal in the spring.

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I have a bunch of stories coming out in late October and early November, and some exciting holds at prestigious markets. Fingers crossed!

It no longer feels impossible to write a novel. I (jokingly) promised my husband I’d write a bestseller, so we could retire early to someplace warm. No pressure! 🙂

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What have you been up to, blogosphere?

Random Bits of Quarankademiqz

I am an associate editor with a disciplinary journal. Another associate editor incessantly sends me manuscripts to review (as a reviewer) and I turn it down. I specifically avoid sending stuff to my fellow associate editors to review because I know they already read plenty for the journal. I wish this associate editor would take a hint and stop sending me stuff. (No, I am not the only or the best person for any of the work he sends me. I bet I’m just the first sort-of in-area person that comes to his mind.)

I had a “battle” with university-level sponsored research office at award closeout. I love how these always start with them being condescending and commandeering toward the PI, as in “Lowly PI, thou have transgressed. Thou must obey!” I pushed back hard, because I know my program managers would approve these expenses and the expenses have already been scrutinized heavily (heavily=taking way too much of my time) by department and college. Doing computational work, I dared buy computers for my students and I guess those are considered office supplies; no, for us they are not, they have custom configurations and are essential equipment). Eventually, the admin folded, but all this red tape irritates me to no end and is such a waste of time and energy.

I am teaching in person and it’s going OK. What I don’t understand are the students who have never showed up for class. Not once! Why sign up for an in-person section if you’re never going to show up and there’s another section that is completely online?

I have done a ton of writing for service since the semester started. All the blogging and fiction writing made this probably far easier for me than it is for most; I have almost no barrier (other than sheer laziness) when it comes to writing technical or admin materials. I wish we conveyed to prospective faculty members everywhere just how much of a faculty member’s job is writing. IT IS ALL OF THE JOB. Seriously. It feels like all I do is write or edit someone else’s writing.

During the pandemic, I have been doing OK. Some cabin fever, but not too bad, as I’ve managed to take my hourlong “murder-prevention walk” most days. But, in more frequent (online) interactions with colleagues these days, it is clear, yet again, what a wide chasm exists between those of us who have to take care of others and those who don’t. The thing is, overall I actually enjoy having all this extra time with my kids. During the day, Smurf sits at a desk next to me, while Middle Boy is just outside, in the next room. And no, I don’t kick anyone out when I have calls, because they have the right to go to their Zoom school. But I see some impatience and irritation from people on the other side whose kids are either nonexistent or safely tucked away. I heard from one kidless partnered colleague how some people have been just fine, working like nothing has changed. Yeah, I bet he’s been fine. All his comment did was made me want to cut him. (Look, I know all people have problems. But I am just not in a very charitable mood toward those who cannot see past their own nose and imagine how the pandemic affects those with significant caregiving obligations. And before anyone thinks to say “Well, you chose to have kids,” don’t. Just fucking don’t.)

Men v women. In my class, I polled the students about some class logistics and offered, as response options, strong preference for one or the other, some preference for one or the other, and neutral. All the boys expressed a strong preference, and all the girls expressed mild preference. That made me furious, because I guarantee that girls have preferences just as strong as anyone else’s, they’re just trained not to be too loud, not to demand too much. In contrast, the boys think that, of course, their wish should be everyone’s command. I remember this from my own relationships, where the man says we should do as he wishes because I don’t seem to feel very strongly about something (or anything), whereas the whole time I’m contorting myself not to be too demanding, too intrusive, or too much.

We have been instructed to strictly hold exams within our class periods, to minimize student clustering in the hallways and whatnot. Yet there’s of course an instructor (wanna guess their gender?) who insist on extending the exam 15 min into my class time. I am all for breaking stupid rules, but some rules are reasonable and necessary. Why are some people so fucking selfish to think these don’t apply to them? Just stay within your own goddamn exam period. It’s not that hard.

I’m so fucking tired of having to tone myself down, shut myself up, make myself small in order to palatable to people. It’s amazing how I didn’t see or rather didn’t mind it when I was young, all the mansplaining/condescension, and how much I do mind it now, and even mind it retroactively, fuming over the injustices done toward my younger self.

Yeah, I fume a lot.

In other news, writing is going well and I have had some contest placements and even have a request to revise and resubmit from a pro-paying market I’ve been trying to crack since I’ve started writing! Thanks to biweekly writing challenges, I have a ton of new flash to shop around, and the benefit is that I am less precious about any one story than when I write one every few months. The abundance (as opposed to scarcity) mentality is really something. And, as a result of constant practice, my writing leveled up—not only has the volume of my output increased, but so has its quality.

What’s going on with you, wise and worldly readers?

Comment Compilation

Sometimes I catch myself writing ever more varied and elaborate comments on other people’s blogs and realize it’s probably time for a post of my own. Here are some bits of wisdom stupidity chunky chowder opinion I’ve recently spilled hither and yon over the blogosphere.

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Gel pens are a great disappointment of my stationery world. I love them dearly, and in theory they should be all I ever wanted in a pen, but ultimately I find them all (tried so, so many brands) short-lived and unreliable for the type of writing/drawing I do. I think it’s my fault (hard grip and lots of pressure when I write), so I am left with unattractive but sturdy writing implements. Incidentally, unattractive but sturdy would also be how I would describe myself lolsob.

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My uni has temporarily gone online (after a spike in cases). It is going well for me as I do everything on the board, so I just do it on my iPad over the videoconferencing platform (shared whiteboard) which is integrated with our online learning system, as opposed to in person. And, with online teaching, I don’t have to worry about makeup and hair! But I think the students get really stressed over being yanked between person and online with minimal notice.

I do record my lectures (it’s voice and shared white board). On the upside, I sound pretty kickass, way more kickass than I feel when I lecture, and I emphasize things well and explain concepts clearly. The downside is that I have more accent than I think I do, especially at the beginning of the class; it kind of fades as I relax into it, but it really bums me out. I hate that I don’t hear it otherwise. It’s not thick or anything, and no student has ever complained about it in my 16 years of teaching, but still.

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I started teaching in person, then went online (required by the administration) as the number of cases spiked, and will be going back in person next week. While we were online, I basically taught live using an iPad + stylus and sharing my electronic white board with the students. I talked and drew and wrote (it was easy to quickly change colors for emphasis) and the students would ask questions via messaging or would (rarely) turn on their microphones and ask verbally. I feel the online version went well (live lectures, more color than I have markers for in f2f teaching, plus I could record lectures as I went — no plans on posting them anywhere, just for current students if they miss a class); however, now that the cases are dropping and we’ve been cleared for f2f, everyone wants to go back to the classroom. Students are much more engaged when we’re in person, more likely to ask questions, and actually thinking on the spot.

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I’m in a similar boat. I absolutely refuse to use the spyware on my students. Instead, I will try to recreate to the extent I can the experience of proctoring in class. I will have them join me on a conference call with video and I will be there to answer questions. That’s enough. It’s different when I am looking at them with my eyeballs versus their multiple devices being overtaken by third-party software. I assume most students don’t want to cheat. Heck, my 4th grader already knows what cheating is (deliberately going against the rules of the class) and that it is not something to be done.

As for memorization, I don’t require it, but I emphasize that they need to practice, and through practice they will remember key formulas. To that end, I assign a ton of mandatory homework. Also, things are faster and easier if they do remember some things. For example, everyone [edit: everyone in my STEM classes, not everyone in every walk of life] knows cos 0 or sin(pi/2), right? You shouldn’t have to look up every single detail; that would be like having to look up the spelling of common words like apple or pants. So I emphasize that, while they can have open book and notes, that doesn’t mean that the first time they turn on their brain regarding the material is on the test (“studying during the test”) because there is definitely not enough time for that.

Most kids aren’t there to cheat. Those who are have bigger problems than passing my class.

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I have long ago stopped initiating these little interludes [impromptu chats with colleagues or going to coffee/lunch] because everyone is always so busy, I feel like I’m the only one with the time/will to gossip in the hallway or wanting to go grab lunch/coffee. Sure, everybody is friendly, but I always feel like I’m imposing with my chatter and the other party can’t wait to get away from me and get on the next thing they’ve got planned. When we do get together for lunch (scheduled weeks in advance), the time is highly constrained (obligations before and after), so it doesn’t feel like a respite but rather like yet another thing everyone checks off their to-do list.

Btw, you mention a huge box of candy. None of my colleagues are interested in candy, it’s really disheartening. Everyone is watching their figure/health, and these days I feel ashamed to even have candy on hand, let alone be seen enjoying it.

Honestly, interacting with writers on Twitter since I started writing fiction has been a godsend for my mental health. My friendly health-conscious vice-free unreachable colleagues have made my soul shrivel a little. Kind of like here. Not as dramatic, but in a similar vein: http://theprofessorisin.com/2012/07/03/death-of-a-soul-on-campus/
In any case, having emotionally divested from the people at work brought me peace. No expectations, no disappointment.

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I used to think I’d never retire. Now, not so much. I enjoy teaching and working with graduate students, but after 100+ papers, all the battles with referees are just a drag and don’t seem worth it, and don’t even get me started on getting grants. I plan to retire as soon as I can. I am serious about writing fiction, have written and published plenty of short works and poetry since I started in 2017, and plan on tackling novels and screenplays. And it would be nice to finally have the time to learn another language, maybe an instrument or two, and really master a digital-art platform. But I still have 20 years till retirement, so who knows? By then, I might be sick of my current hobbies, and on to something else.

Links Hijinks

This and That

Starting in-person teaching tomorrow. With all the gear I’m supposed to wear, it will be wild.

Also, I need to carry a ton of supplies, to clean my station, provide masks and face shields for students, and also cleaning supplies for all of them. I love that my job is now a combo of masked prof and masked cleaning lady. Like I have two secret identities.

The amount of incomplete and contradictory information on how the face-to-face is to be done, despite mountains of email on the topic, is so ridiculous it’s fascinating.

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My story got among top 10 (which means it got published) in one of my favorite flash-fiction competitions.

Have a ton of new fiction, thanks to biweekly writing sprints. It feels good.

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Did a ton of work this summer and submitted three papers. I almost like them.

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Have been maintaining an hour a day of exercise for several months now. Feeling good.

Assembled a rowing machine recently and was sore all over the next day, which emphasized the need for a rowing machine.

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Kids are starting school next week, all online. We will see how it all shakes out.

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Hearing about all the people who are no longer staying at home, but traveling just a little  here and just a little there makes me feel powerless and stupid. Are we the only ones who’ve not gone anywhere for vacation this summer? It feels like we are the only ones not in on same sort of cruel joke.

How’s it going, blogosphere? 

The End of Non-sabbatical and Non-summer

Today, I am feeling acutely peeved because the pandemic has eaten up a semester of my sabbatical. I know I shouldn’t think this, I’m counting my blessings, etc. But there it is. Sabbatical is a major perk of a faculty job, one that makes up for a lot of other things. Yet here I was, sitting at home all spring at significantly reduced pay, while everyone else was sitting at home at full pay. They still get to go on their sabbatical when this is all over; my next one won’t be for another seven years, or when my middle kid is in college. When Smurf is in high school. By the way, this was my second sabbatical ever. The first one was spent caring for the newborn Smurf. So yeah. I have yet to have a real and full sabbatical.

On the other hand, how do we have real, rejuvenating sabbaticals when there are research groups to constantly supervise? I don’t have to teach and go to faculty meetings, but none of other obligations ever stop or change. Students want supervision, need constant check-ins. Papers and grants need to be written. Those of others have to be reviewed. Talks need to be given. Most of the work is still there, in the same form as ever, just at reduced pay.

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August was never really a month of relaxation in academia, and this year quite dramatically so.

There have been innumerable emails all summer about every minute change regarding in-person/online teaching. Not that we, faculty, have any say in what transpires, but there are pro-forma online “town-hall” meetings and surveys and whatnot, giving an illusion of faculty governance to only the most naive. When push comes to shove, such as when someone asks to be moved online because they’re just not comfortable teaching face-to-face in a tiny lab, because the students write and ask why the instructor is putting them in danger, because there are no TAs because the TAs don’t want to teach in person, we see just how accommodating the institution is. (I won’t even speak of all the staff like janitors who’ve had to report to work this whole time, and who will get the shit end of the stick cleaning after everyone, because whoever thinks the elaborate cleaning requirements for students attending in person will be fulfilled by anyone seems never to have met any twenty-year-olds. (Has also never gone to my gym, where we were always supposed to wipe the floor and kickboxing bags after class, and no matter what class I attended, what time of day, 99% of dudes never cleaned after themselves, just got up and left after class, leaving the women to clean everything.)

But this is the pandemic, so everyone has been on high alert since March, stressed and worried about tuition and room/board money coming in (even though pretending it’s not about the money).

Even during normal summers, we are never left alone regarding the upcoming semester. Remember that faculty are not paid during the summer, except from research grants. Why these constant intrusions, making my blood pressure spike several times every day?

Is it the people who are on 12-month contracts wanting to show they’re earning their keep? Or is it a typical corporate power move, basically making sure no one ever thinks even for a little while that they have the right to any personal time whatsoever? Like the colleague who always emails with superficially important links on nights and weekends, ensuring we have no peace and we know he’s working really hard?

And don’t get me started on all the summer defenses. I have had more thesis proposals and defenses this pandemic summer than I have during most semesters. WTF is up with that? These are supposed to be one off, not “everyone, it’s summertime, let’s graduate”!

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So, tl;dr: I’m starting this fall semester quite grumpy. I will be teaching in person. How’s everyone doing?

Quarancademiqz

Bits and pieces of doing the job:

— Emailing with one program manager while working on a project report for another, from a different agency, and I feel a little like I am secretly juggling two significant others, nly instead of flirty texts we exchange graphs and Gannt charts and highlight slides and requests for revised budgets.

— One program manager is MIA for months on end, but when they’re on, they send out a flurry of emails and are super accessible for a brief period. So the other day I was emailing with them between 12 and 2 am. Yes, all of us involved in academic science are nuts. 

— I’m writing an evaluation letter for the promotion a candidate and want to make the letter as strong as possible. I look up the most highly cited papers and want to highlight the importance and originality of the contributions, and I realize that the papers, while technically fine, sound wishy-washy. The statements of work (in abstract, intro, conclusion) are all weak and equivocal. Reader, if a well-meaning evaluator cannot easily figure out why the hell these papers were written to being with, what’s new and important in them, then your bleary-eyed, attention-challenged colleagues will quickly dismiss your work. Learn how to write clear, concise, persuasive statements of work. What did you do, why did you do it, why should people care, and did you find anything of note/advance the state of the art in some way?

— Will I ever be senior enough not to constantly be assumed clueless in the reviews of my papers? Like, “Are the authors reeeeeeally sure what they say holds, because it doesn’t seem to me that it does, based on me flipping through this textbook.” Yes, we are fucking sure, because I have dozens of paper on the topic spanning nearly two decades. I know how to fucking recognize it.

— At least with papers, I can rebut the above comments. I cannot fight the presumption of incompetence in grant reviews.

— Is there a way to have a sabbatical that actually feels restful? I fear it’s not possible when you have a research group. The work never stops. Maybe you’re not teaching, but all the research supervision happens just as before, so you’re constantly tethered by the needs of the group. Even when I procrastinate, all the stuff I have to do for my students hangs over my head.

— I’m teaching in person this fall, in a gigantic classroom, under a face shield. Both I and the students will be expected to undertake extensive pre- and post-lecture cleaning of our work space. Should be just peachy.

— How is it that the society considers me old/useless/invisible, yet I still have two more decades till retirement? That’s two more decades of grant writing… Man, I better stop futzing around with short fiction and start writing best-seller novels.

How’ve you been, academic blogosphere? What’s new at the dawn of a new academic year? 

What’s in a Degree?

For my fiction writing, I use specialized search engines — Duotrope (paid) and The Submission Grinder (free) — where you can look up different magazines, acceptance rates, and all sorts of cool stats. The engines rely on user-reported information on acceptances and rejections (dates, whether personal or not, whether preceded by a hold, etc.). Each magazine entry has a list of recent responses (e.g., 21-day personalized rejection; 43-day acceptance). People with acceptances have the option to have their name listed (e.g., 43-day acceptance. Congratulations, Peggy!). Many people opt not to have anything listed; some have a nickname (squirrel), their first, or their full name. But there are a few who list their title (Dr Perry Mason). This practice strikes me as odd.

I chatted about it with one of my writer friends, who saw nothing wrong with it, as in “If you’ve got it, flaunt it” and asked if I listed PhD after my name in my faculty email. I said no, because everyone had one. (If anything, listing one’s endowed professorship or a high administrative position is what we academic nerds do as a show of force.)

Then it hit me: In my professional world, everyone does have a PhD, so much so that a PhD seems like not a big deal, almost a triviality, only the beginning point of a career and achievement. But it’s not trivial. It denotes an already remarkable level of achievement in one’s field of inquiry. A vast majority of people don’t have a PhD, nor do they know anyone who does. A PhD is a big deal. We should be proud of it. We shouldn’t hide it. But I always hide it, because people are weird around intellectuals. When people ask what I do, I say I work at the university. If they don’t probe further, I don’t volunteer. If they do, I say I am a professor or that I teach, and I see a shock and immediate re-classification of me from wherever I was to wherever university professors get mentally placed. I don’t have to say I have a PhD; I assume it’s implied, and its unspoken existence does make for an awkward dynamics for a moment, or a dozen.

In my fiction bio (it’s a 2–3-sentence blurb that follows a published piece), I make a vague reference to being a writer and a scientist, then list three places where I’ve published fiction, followed by website and social media links. I also publish a smattering of poetry, and in those bios I don’t even mention being a scientist at all, because, honestly, I’m a bit intimidated. So many poetry journals have mastheads filled with serious writers who hold MFAs, so I don’t want to draw attention to my decidedly non-MFA-holding impostor self. The MFA is fairly common among editors of literary short fiction, but not quite as prevalent as in poetry. In genre fiction, however, many (most?) writers and editors have another non-writerly vocation and associated degrees. English PhDs do show up in all three types of mastheads (poetry, short literary fiction, short genre fiction) but with a much lower frequency than MFAs. Among writers, I do know a handful (probably under ten) people who hold an MFA in addition to a doctorate of one kind or another (PhD or JD or MD). There are some highly accomplished people out there who make me feel like a complete slacker!

The writer friend from above said I should be flaunting my PhD and my theoretical and mathy background in my bios for genre fiction. I’m not so sure. I may have science cred, but that doesn’t mean my fiction doesn’t suck donkey balls. It feels like the more I flaunt my science credentials, the more I might antagonize the readers and editors with my layperson scribbling intrusion. Is this crazy?

It can be exhausting to feel like you’re always intruding. On the one hand, I choose to branch out into activities in which I am a total newbie. On the other hand, can I still be a newbie years into an activity, and, if not, how do I turn off this annoying impostor syndrome? (LOL That’s a trick question. I can’t.)

But I should at least be a little kinder toward the people who do list their credentials in their bios and publication announcement, unrelated to the writing pursuit as these credentials may be. Perhaps all they’re trying to do is raise their stock, give themselves some credibility, battle a crushing impostor syndrome.

In the meantime, it’s good to remember that having a PhD is great, that one should be proud of it as PhDs are not common in the general population, but that one’s title and expertise should be wielded with kindness and humility, because while it does means a high level of achievement in a small subfield, the world is vast and full of capable, talented people, and, in more areas than not, we’re all clueless newbs with plenty to learn.

 


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