Month: April 2020

Preventive Annoyance Mitigation

nicoleandmaggie (the Grumpies) have a new post, and one part of it resonated strongly with me. Below is the comment I left there.

n&m: “I’ve started hitting chatty. I apologize in advance to anybody that I have an even sporadic texting relationship with. I am pretty amazing in small doses, but annoying in longer interactions. Trying to be less annoying never seems to work, so I’ve learned to spread myself out. Which is hard to do these days! I am #blessed that my family puts up with me.

This hit me in all the feelz. This is what I usually do (assume I am generally annoying and try to avoid overdosing people, thinking I’m doing them a kindness). But when I brought this up (that I get to be too much/annoying quickly) a few times with a few people who I feel know me and like me, they looked at me like I’d sprouted a second head. Apparently, they don’t think I’m annoying at all and some have brought up that I actually end up seeming aloof and disinterested (whereas all I tried to do is not impose, not suffocate them with my intensity). I think the problem is not the people who want me me in their lives; they would probably like more time and interaction. It’s the people whom I for some reason feel I should impress, who just don’t like me but feel like they have to pretend they do, and who have a hard time concealing their true feelings; from them, it comes across that any amount of exposure to me is annoying, no matter how small I try to make myself or how considerate of their time I try to be. (It really sucks if such people include, for example, one’s parent. That will mess one up big time. Ahem.) I need to stop vying for these people’s approval, restrict their access to my emotional core, and stick to perfunctory interactions. It’s always hard to admit, but some people will dislike me no matter what I do (or don’t do), and they’re not worth diminishing myself into oblivion.

 

Blogging Sprint

OK, timer’s on: 15 min to draft, and whatever comes out, comes out.

  • Absurdist literary fiction piece published. It’s oh so delicious and weird. It fell out of my head almost fully formed and it’s perfect. Sometimes they do that.
  • I have another story with a really cool narrative structure that has been getting lots of compliments and shortlists, but no acceptance yet. I feel really bad for the poor, misunderstood story.
  • I have several manuscripts that I have to handle as associate editor. I do not feel like doing it.
  • I have several manuscripts that I have to review as a referee. I do not feel like doing it.
  • I have two award nominations to assemble and submit by Friday. I like the people this is for, and while I do not feel like doing it, it’s  not too bad.
  • I have a paper to revise and resubmit. Ugh.
  • I have a draft of a first paper (in my group) by my postdoc to review. Ugh.
  • Putting it all out there makes it seem daunting. It’s not too much work when I’m motivated and without distractions. Otherwise, ugh.
  • I’ve been shopping on Tuesdays, early morning. Last Tuesday, right after opening,  the store was pretty crowded. I should probably switch the shopping day.
  • Since Starbucks is closed, Nescafe Taster’s Choice instant coffee has been my go-to. I love it. I love it much better than filter coffee from any home coffee machine; all the plastic ruins the taste for me. The instant coffee has been a major contributor to my quarantine happiness. I love you, Nescafe!
  • Kids kinda started school this past week, but barely. I guess it’s back for real on Monday. I am dreading having to harangue Middle Boy about his work.
  • Kim’s Convenience on Netflix is hilarious and heartwarming. Just finished Season 4. Love, love, love the Kims!
  • DH and I watch Ozark. It will fill that Breaking Bad void in your soul, only instead of the scorching yellows and oranges of New Mexico, the whole show is tinted blue and deep green and is soooo scary and delicious. (I feel like I’ve written about it? No time to go back and look. And anyway: Repetitio mater studiorum est.)
  • Fizzy water. ❤

How’s your weekend been, blogosphere? 

Largely Levity Links

https://twitter.com/null4bl3/status/1247032404990210053?s=20

https://twitter.com/jasonsanford/status/1247232523001872390?s=20

https://twitter.com/steve_asbell/status/1247978942180601858?s=20

https://twitter.com/akkitwts/status/1245902494519250945?s=20

https://twitter.com/backt0nature/status/1245503355591557127?s=20

Bits of Advising, With a Quick Navel Dip

Just edited a student’s draft. Made over 300 comments in the pdf. Stu will not be happy. Stu is new and seemed quite perturbed when I returned a marked-up two-pager for a fellowship. Apparently, Stu thought my mind would be blown by the quality of their writing. I’m not kidding, Stu pretty much said so. I mean, Stu’s a native speaker, but has got a lot to learn about technical writing (and, near as I can judge, writing in general). We’re not in the Little League anymore. We’re writing as professional scientists.

Stu’s idiosyncrasy: Writing a paper like it is a murder mystery, with these vague hints on  what is to be shown later. You think you, as advisor, have seen it all. Nope.

***

I, personally, am doing quite well right now, enjoying the lack of buzzing around, delighted that all my trips from this spring and summer are cancelled (I know I should be making those trips, I am on sabbatical, that’s what the sabbatical is for, but I just hate hate hate airline travel), catching up on work, cooking every day, exercising, writing, having enough time with the sprogs, and still some left for reading and/or Netflix. It’s all very low-key and enjoyable. I’m never bored because I have lots of interests. It seems most introverts are doing well while sheltering in place.

The issue of one-track-mindedness came up several times with my students during the pandemic. Some really miss seeing people; some miss certain activities. One student, in particular, Stu 2, is a big-time athlete who has been cut off from training and is  devastated. The sport to which Stu 2 devotes hours each day is the one and only thing in Stu 2’s life besides the PhD. With the sport gone, as it’s not really something Stu 2 can practice within the confines of their apartment, Stu 2 is not doing well at all. All their other hobbies have fallen by the wayside. Apparently, Stu 2 tends to hyper-focus on one thing, which I suppose yields great dividends, but is suboptimal when the conditions are suboptimal themselves.

I’ve had to have this conversation several times over my career: telling the students to remember what they liked as kids, to focus on an art they liked to create or consume, to get back to that. Movies, books, playing an instrument, painting, dancing… There has to be something that can take the edge off.

I only started really, truly appreciating the arts and humanities when I stood on top of that hill of professional and personal milestones and said, “All right. Now what?” I honestly don’t understand how I’d never before then seen the vast importance of art for one’s soul, of the importance of examining the human condition. Actually, I probably do know: I had my nose to the grindstone for decades. There was no time to look up and see the world around me.

I wish I could instill in my kids and my students the importance of arts and humanities. I was an arty and crafty kid, I drew and wrote and sewed, but then it all went away as I focused on STEM. I wish I had awoken from my slumber sooner, I wish that someone had nudged me and said, hey, there’s more to life than work and guys. I think I would’ve been happier in my youth, much less prone to peer pressure and boy-related drama if I hadn’t allowed my early interests to get completely lost.

Blogosphere, how are you doing these days? Are you exploring new or forgotten interests? Enjoying and/or creating art? 

It’s Been a Weird Day

A guy I went to high school and college with, and who’s also in the US, emailed me to tell me our highschool physics teacher (who was the best!) just died. It was weird to hear from the former classmate since we’re not really in touch, but I suppose I am easily googlable, and so is he; it was also weird because I could’ve sworn that I’d heard of that teacher’s death a decade ago.

Anyway, the teacher did just die; there was an obituary on our highschool webpage (I also learned that my high school had a webpage). It’s mildly disturbing to have thought someone dead for so long when he wasn’t.

The classmate and I talked over the phone later in the afternoon. That was a bag of awkward. I barely ever speak my native language; I only text/email with parents and sibling, and I speak English 99.9% of the time with my husband. So I couldn’t remember certain words, and sometimes caught myself translating verbatim an expression from English into mother tongue because that came to me faster than the organic equivalent.

Additional weirdness stemmed from all the info this former classmate had about our cohort. I haven’t thought about most of these people since I graduated high school nearly three decades ago. Apparently, one had committed suicide last year; that was really sad to hear; I remember that boy always goofing around. A number of people never married or had kids (of course, those are not the only way to happiness, but based on how we were all raised, I imagine that, for most of these folks, singledom wasn’t a choice). The classmate mentioned all these names that lay under a thick coat of dust in my mind; I don’t think I could’ve remembered most of them without prompting. I also can’t really discern if I remember someone from primary (elementary+middle) or high school. It’s all a big mess that I never want to touch. I don’t think about childhood, growing up, people I used to know, because what’s the point? When I do, I get weepy and nostalgic, and those are (to me) such annoying, useless emotions. I was young and there; now I am old and here. What’s there to dwell on? F*ck looking back.

That said, it was nice to get in touch and get a whiff of some gossip, but after 30 min of catching up, we were done. We’re probably good for another couple of decades.

As I said, weird.

How’s your Wednesday, blogosphere?

Vanity

Craving normalcy? What’s more normal than xykademiqz crying woe-is-me? Nothing,  that’s what.

So… I received a university-level award. Thank you, thank you. It is a big deal. A couple of months ago, the photographer came to my research-group meeting and took pictures of me talking with my graduate students; he took dozens. The one that ended up in the announcement might as well be described as “Fat Angry Troll About to Bite Off Head of Graduate Student.”

My husband, who usually says I look great even when I really don’t, actually concurred on this one. He asked, “Did you offend the photographer? This is such a bad picture, it seems like it was chosen out of spite.” It looked like I was yelling at my poor graduate student, which I wasn’t. Who the f*ck takes pictures for 30 min and chooses that?

I did manage to find the editor and they put up a different photograph. I still look like a beached whale, but at least I look relaxed and smiling and not foaming at the mouth. I might not be pretty or photogenic, but at the very least I shouldn’t appear to be harboring murderous intent. FFS.

I have some selfies from later that same day, also at work, in which I look nice and human, and one of which may be my new faculty profile pic. I took one today with unwashed hair in a poorly lit room, and still didn’t manage to approach the level of trolldom produced by a professional photographer after a 30-min photo shoot.

It’s especially upsetting because there were several other recipients for related awards, and they all looked good in the announcement. Not only do I not look good, I look fuckin’ awful, at the level of those pictures when you’re drunk and sweaty, with one eye closed and your tongue sticking out.

At this point, after more than fifteen years in academia, I am pretty traumatized from dealing with university communications staff. Every article has me sounding like a moron, every picture uglier than the next.

Academic blogosphere, how do you deal with your university communications office? 

 

Quick

I will be back with a solid post tomorrow the day after tomorrow.

I know no one cares here, but this weekend I’ve been busy sending out contest decisions, compiling the book and designing the cover, and posting all the entries on my fiction page. Oh, and I’d joined a writing group, and this Saturday was my first flash sprint wit them: based on a prompt, write a story up to 1000 words within an hour of the prompt dropping. My story was shorter than most (I have a habit of editing as I go, especially at the outset, until I fix the mood and voice, then it flows fast; in this type of sprint, you have to just vomit it all out and fix later), but it placed third anyway, and people seemed to like it.

Right now I’m making the final touches on the contest-related materials and cleaning that flash that came out the sprint for submission (silver lining: the story is of the style and length to submit to a market I’d long salivated over, but for which I’d never had anything that would fit).

Tomorrow The day after tomorrow, I will be back with regularly scheduled programming.

In the meantime, how’s it shaking, blogosphere? 

TGIF

(LOL, just checked the stats, and yesterday was my 666th published post!)

I was busy all day with the contest. I received just under 300 entries and probably read each seven million times. Today I sent out a lot of emails, so most contestants have been notified. The plan is to finish this tomorrow, send out the payments to the winners, and then have the weekend to upload everything and make the electronic compilation.

Why did I do this? To cheer up my literary community, give people a fun contest to focus on, stir their creativity, during what were the first weeks of the quarantine for most. To me, it scratched the itch I’d had awhile of starting my own magazine, which I know is a terrible, time-wasting idea that will leave me bitter and drained, but it had been itching with some regularity… So the contest was perfect. I got it all out of my system.

OK, that was a long-winded way of saying I’ve got nothing new for you. But I have some oldies.

Here are the top three most read posts from 2016 and 2017.

2016

A Good Little Girl (the most widely read piece I have ever written)

Why Women-in-Science Panels Aren’t Very Useful

PhD Defense Grumpiness

2017

Skyping Your Way Into (or Out of) A Faculty Job

Good

Chalk Talk

 

Linkelodeon

https://twitter.com/AlexDRocca/status/1244133804068880385?s=20

https://twitter.com/YUA_nyan_22/status/1243329696823042048?s=20

The C-Word: Class

I don’t talk about politics here because a)  I don’t follow it in enough depth to be able to debate people online (who does, really?); b) it falls under the aspects of life over which I have virtually no control and thus don’t want to spend a lot of time on. Yet, learning about political economy in my youth was one of the most influential educational experiences I’ve had, and even in my relatively apolitical approach to life, every so often it blows my mind to what lengths people in the US will go to avoid discussing the issue of class. I know that’s by neoliberal design, and I said I didn’t want to debate people online on politics…

Instead, I will share a story with you.

When I first moved to this city over fifteen years ago, I started going to Grocery Store A that’s a mile from where I now live and was maybe 2-3 miles from where I did then. It was a solidly middle-of-the-road place, with reasonable prices, reasonable selection, and reasonable cleanliness. A few months later, I discovered Grocery Store B that’s a couple of miles farther out. That store was a bit higher tier. Cleaner, more expensive, with better meat, deli, and with artisanal bread. My family is very particular about bread, and so we were sold and slowly moved all our shopping to Grocery Store B.

A few years later, Grocery Store A went out of business and the building was abandoned. A new, upscale chain moved in and completely redecorated it. It became expensive, but they have heavenly bread, cuts of meat and cheeses, as well as a great selection of local produce and healthy hot foods that I often (in quarantine-free life) grab on the way home from work.

At the same time, Grocery Store B stayed with the same owner but was rebranded as a cheaper, lower-tier place. First all the luxury items went the way of the dodo, then the good bread. Then their inventory became unreliable: they’d go weeks between restocking an item, so much that I thought more than once that they’d discontinued something, only to see it come back a month later.

Slowly but surely, I moved most of my daily shopping to the fancy, taking-itself-a-bit-too-seriously, new-and-improved Grocery Store A. There are still a couple of items that Grocery Store B carries that A doesn’t, so I go to B (in non-pandemic times) once every few weeks. I don’t think I’m a snob (does anyone think they are?), but discontinuing the bread we liked and being inconsistent about restocking were the nails in Grocery Store B’s coffin for me.

Why am I telling you this? Because today I went shopping in both (an anxiety-ridden ordeal that left me unable to sleep the night before), as I hadn’t been in Grocery Store B in a month.

The two stores have different selections, different prices, different employee demeanor, different music (guess which one plays Vivaldi and which one Top 40 Hits?)… Different clientele.

Most importantly, the two stores protect their workers and their shoppers from COVID-19 very differently.

Last week, all employees in Grocery Store A wore gloves. You could pick up a pre-sanitized cart. (Most shoppers wore gloves, too, me included; some wore masks.) Everyone was mindful of the six-foot social-distancing gap. Nobody was working at hot food, deli, or meat, but all the favorites were available prepackaged. This week, in addition to all from last week, Grocery Store A had Plexiglas installed in the checkout lines to separate the cashier form the customer; it made me feel better about not wearing a mask.

Then I went to Grocery Store B and I was shocked. There was no change whatsoever with respect to pre-corona. Nobody was sanitizing carts. Nobody was wearing gloves. There was an open salad bar. The deli worked and the meat was out to be served, as always. The bread was out, open. Employees showed no intention to evade customers or one another. Nothing was different. It was scary.

This is the last time I am going to Grocery Store B in a long, long time. We will just have to make due without those items.

I really feel for these people who have to show up every day to work in this situation. Why can’t they wear gloves? They obviously have them on hand for people who work at the deli counter. Why can’t they wear masks? Why isn’t something being done about people staying apart from one another? Is this the store manager’s issue? Corporate?

I’m not naive enough to think that the owners of A love their employees any more than those of B love theirs, although I suppose one could hope. No, the difference in the clientele. Grocery Store A is for affluent people; B is for the poor. Nobody gives a $hit if poor people get sick, be it employees or customers. It is maddening and heartbreaking. I wish I could actually do something about it (other than vote pro-labor, but end up having some flavor of neoliberal at the helm regardless).

How was your socially distant Tuesday, blogosphere?